


Remember me

by Marrie_L



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-18 08:48:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7308247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marrie_L/pseuds/Marrie_L
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sirius gets hit by a car, Remus' world seems to end. Sirius survives, but at the cost of the things Remus cherishes the most: his memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The moment the telephone rang with the news Sirius had been hit by a car, was the moment Remus’ life fell apart. He rushed to the hospital, followed shortly by James and Lily. By that time Remus knew everything about Sirius’ condition and was sitting next to him, holding his hand.

“How is he?” James asked when he came in. Remus tried to smile, but the tears he had been holding in started to flow.

“He- he doesn’t wake up,” he mumbled. “They don’t know if he’ll ever wake up. James, I’m going to- to lose him.” James pulled him close, but Remus couldn’t answer the hug. That would mean releasing Sirius’ hand and he couldn’t do that. He needed Sirius to know he was there for him. Maybe Sirius would come back for him.

“Fuck,” James mumbled, summarizing Remus’ thoughts. He couldn’t lose his best friend, his boyfriend and his significant other. He just couldn’t. What would he do without him?

\---

“Remus, you need sleep.”

“Sirius needs me. I can’t sleep.” Remus was exhausted. He had been with Sirius for almost two days, but nothing had changed. The longer it would take, the more damage there would be if he woke up, and the change of waking up was decreasing rapidly.

He hadn’t slept at all and had only eaten because James had forced him. Every time he needed to use the bathroom he was scared Sirius wouldn’t be there when he returned. Nothing had changed so far but it wouldn’t take long anymore.

“I’ll stay with him. Go get some sleep. I’ll wake you if anything happens.” Lily took his hand and guided him to an empty bed. “Sleep, Remus. You can’t do anything now, except taking care of yourself. Only time can.”

“But that’s the problem. There is no time.”

It took long before he finally slept.

\---

“It’s not fair, you know? Why are you lying there, Padfoot? You don’t belong there. It was the driver’s fault, not yours. So why are you the one who has to pay?

I won’t leave you, I promise. I’m here for you. James keeps telling me to leave you, but I won’t do that. My boss isn’t happy about it, but I don’t care. I need to be here with you. We can do this together. Just open your eyes, Sirius. Just open your eyes.”

There were no tears left. He had cried, screamed, begged, but it hadn’t made a difference. Sirius’ eyes were still closed. He was breathing but that was all. Now all emotions were gone. There was just emptiness and a cold hand.

“I wanted to propose to you, you know? I had everything arranged: the ring, the restaurant. Heck, I even have the ring here! Don’t you understand it? I _need_ you here, Sirius.”

Sirius didn’t move.

\---

Two weeks passed and Sirius didn’t wake up. The doctors had told Remus that he wasn’t going to wake up anymore, but Remus couldn’t believe them. Sirius had to wake up. For him. He couldn’t be gone. Sirius always came when he needed him. He would come back for him.

“Moony, it’s time to let go.” James was standing next to him.

“No, Prongs. You don’t understand! He’ll come back!” Remus was almost shouting. Why couldn’t James understand him? This wasn’t the end. It couldn’t be!

James took his hands and Remus saw tears in his eyes. “Yes, Moons, I understand. Sirius isn’t going to wake up anymore. You’re the one who needs to understand it. Sirius is gone, Remus. He won’t come back.”

Something inside Remus wanted to attack James when he spoke those words. Liar. He didn’t know about their bond. Sirius wouldn’t leave him behind. He never did.

“No!” With a sudden anger Remus freed his hands. He was now really shouting. “He will come back!”

There was pity in James’ eyes and Remus couldn’t bear his look anymore. “Just go,” he demanded. “GO!” James had no choice than to leave Remus. Remus, who was slowly falling apart. Remus, who wanted so badly for things to be different. Remus, who was missing the little movement of Sirius’ finger. Remus, who needed his friend more than ever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius wakes up.

“Who are you?” Those were the first words Sirius spoke when he had woken up. He was almost suffocated by the man who held him close.

 “Sirius, you’re back. I knew it. You’re back.” It became a riddle of wishes and hopes. Fear that it wasn’t true. A way to convince himself that the thing he had been hoping for really had happened.

The question shouldn’t surprise Remus. He was warned that there could be some memory-loss. But it did. He had spend years with this man. How could he not remember him?

“I’m Remus. Your boyfriend,” he told Sirius, when Sirius had repeated his question. “You had had an accident, but you’re back now!”

He saw some bewilderment in Sirius’ eyes, something that was supported by his next question. “Where are my parents? Reg?”

Remus smiled sadly. “You haven’t talked to them in years, Sir. Don’t you remember that anymore?” Sirius’ look was enough answer.

“Why?”

Remus couldn’t answer that question. He hadn’t had the heart to tell Sirius that it had been his fault. Sirius’ parents hadn’t been happy when he came home with a boy, especially with a poor one like himself. That had been the moment Sirius had left his home to be with Remus forever.

“I don’t know exactly. It happened years ago.”

\---

“Sirius, there is someone here for you.” Sirius had refused to see anyone in the hospital. Only Remus was allowed, but no matter how long he was there, how many pictures he showed the other man, Sirius hadn’t remembered a single thing.

Remus had taken him home, but even their place couldn’t bring back the memories. So now it was time for some drastic methods: James.

Remus wasn’t sure what he would do if this didn’t work too. He had Sirius back, but still it wasn’t his Sirius. How could it be his Sirius when he was nothing more than a stranger for him?

If he had thought he was already on his breaking point, he was wrong. This was even worse than all the hours in the hospital, sitting next to him. Every goddamn single day he was waking up hoping that Sirius’ memory was restored, but every day his hope was crushed a little more.

Sirius was sleeping in the same bed, but reluctantly, and Remus couldn’t touch him or hold him. He needed to hold Sirius, to convince himself he was really alive, but Sirius was almost afraid for him. He was avoiding Remus and Remus knew it. It hurt.

When James entered the room, Remus was examining Sirius close, but with no result. There was no recognition in his eyes. Not even a spark. Just none.

\---

“I see you tomorrow then. Goodbye mother.” When Remus entered the room he heard those last words before Sirius put down the phone.

“Oh, good morning Remus,” he said with some sort of smile. It wasn’t the smile he used to give Remus, full of love and compassion. It was just a smile you would give to an acquaintance or maybe someone you’d consider some sort of friend.  Not a very close friend and certainly not a lover.

“Coffee?”

Remus took the offered coffee. He actually preferred tea, but he didn’t want to tell Sirius that. It was one of the things he used to know about Remus of course, and Remus didn’t want to remind him about everything he didn’t know anymore. He wanted Sirius to remind it himself.

Sirius seemed to have something on his mind, as he avoided Remus’ gaze and stared at the kitchen floor instead. Remus wanted to ask him what it was, but he didn’t. He knew it was better to wait until Sirius was ready to tell him, even when Sirius didn’t know it anymore.

Finally he seemed to have the courage to look at Remus. “I’m- I’m going home,” he told the man. Remus suppressed the urge to tell Sirius he was already home. He knew what Sirius meant and he hated it. That place hadn’t been a home for Sirius for many years. He just wished Sirius remembered that as well.

He couldn’t warn Sirius. He couldn’t tell him about his parents, his brother. Sirius wouldn’t believe him. He didn’t know what Sirius could remember, but the realization he had been living in an abusive home was certainly not part of it.

Sirius interpret Remus’ silence the right way. “I’m sorry Remus. I know I mean more for you than you want to tell me, but I can’t remember us. You mean well and I want to thank you for the way you took care of me, but I’m in a place with someone I don’t know. I see pictures of places we’ve been to, but I don’t even know I’ve ever been there. I just want to go somewhere familiar. Maybe it helps me restoring my memory. And if it doesn’t… Well, then I’m home at least.”

It shouldn’t hurt like this. This wasn’t a break up, not really, Remus tried to convince himself. Sirius would get his memory back and then come back to him. Of course that was going to happen.

Hadn’t he said goodbye before, sitting next to him? Even when he got Sirius back, he had known it wasn’t the same. Not with Sirius not remembering a single thing. But still, hearing him saying that he was actually going to leave, made him feel like he was breaking. Even his fantasies about their life together were disappearing now and he couldn’t even blame Sirius. He would have done the same thing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus can't handle the situation and has a very enlightening conversation.

“Thank you for taking me in.” Sirius’ smile was wider than it should be. He was heading to the place he had sworn never to return to. It made Remus sad. He wished he could hold Sirius here with him, instead of letting him get away.

“It’s okay. So, um, when shall we-”

“I think you’ve done enough, Mr. Lupin.” Walburga Black, better known as ‘the witch’, was waiting for Sirius to come with her. She seemed very pleased that her eldest son had forgotten everything that had made him a disgrace, and she definitely couldn’t wait to destroy Remus’ life.

“Well, goodbye then,” Sirius said, still smiling. Remus forced himself to smile back, but as soon as they had left the apartment, it faded. He knew he wasn’t going to see Sirius again. Unless he would get his memory back, and that was highly unlikely.

\---

Even two weeks after Sirius’ departure Remus felt like there was something missing in the apartment. There was no Sirius when he got up in the morning, no Sirius when he ate his breakfast and no Sirius when he returned from work.

He kept fleeing from his apartment and spent his time with James and Lily. They accepted him, but Remus knew what kind of looks they shared behind his back. They pitied him. Even James, Sirius’ best friend and practically his husband, even though they were both in a relationship, had given up. It made Remus angry and sad at the same time. How could he ever give up? He knew Sirius was somewhere deep inside him.

He was angry all the time, he shouted at James when they were alone and more than once he had walked away, only to return the day after asking for forgiveness. He knew James’ answer by heart. _“You know, Moony. I miss him too. He used to be my best friend. My brother. But I know one thing: he doesn’t want us to fight. Come in.”_ Then he would step back and they would have a drink together, but it wouldn’t be the same. Every goddamn day they were drifting apart. They weren’t just losing Sirius. They were losing each other.

\---

Remus froze. Was it Sirius there? That black hair, his cheekbones, even his clothes!

But coming closer, he noticed his mistake. The hair was a bit shorter and everything a bit different. But he hadn’t been completely wrong. It actually was a Black, only not the one he had desperately been searching for.

“Regulus?” he asked. The young man looked up. He had always been Sirius’ younger brother, even though there were only two years between them, but now he looked older than ever. He had been the Black’s pride, but even that was gone now.

“What happened?” His nose was bleeding and he looked like he had been hit in the face. But that wasn’t the only thing Remus noticed. Once he had been a proud boy. Someone who knew exactly what to do, but now he was a broken, tired, old man.

Regulus shook his head. “Nothing. Nothing special.” That wasn’t true. Remus saw it in his eyes. “It’s- it’s just… Sirius. He is different. Nothing like when we were kids.”

There was even more, something Regulus didn’t tell him. It wasn’t necessary. Remus knew what their mother did to her children – Sirius in particular as he had found it his duty to protect his brother – and he knew that it was that part Regulus was referring to. Sirius wasn’t definitely himself anymore if he let anyone harm Regulus. They were brothers after all.

“You need to get him out of there, Remus. She’s poisoning his mind and his soul. He doesn’t deserve this.”

Remus smiled weakly. “But do you?”

Regulus stared at the ground. “Where would I go? I have nothing but them.”

“Once again I offer you our home, Regulus. We have plenty of room.” Even before he had finished those words, Regulus shook his head. It felt strangely familiar. They had had this conversation years ago. Sirius had wanted to leave his home, but he had wanted Regulus to come with him. Regulus had refused, just like this time. He didn’t feel like he belonged there. He had never dared to make the escape Sirius had made.

“I’m sorry, Regulus. I can’t. I can’t reach him, so how can I convince him to come back?”

It was hopeless. He wasn’t able to get Sirius back and now Regulus believed he could. He would disappoint him. He couldn’t.

“He just needs to remember,” Regulus said with an undiscovered heath in his eyes. It was like there was a new fire in him and Remus knew Regulus was ready to fight for Sirius. It was the Black-spirit. Sirius had it too, especially about stupid pranks. They were stubborn and when they had decided anything, that would happen. They wouldn’t give up.

They weren’t that different.

Maybe that was why Remus grabbed Regulus’ hand, looked at him and managed to smile. Maybe he remembered the other boy, in a place far away. There was still hope. Not much, but a desperate man can do weird things.

“I can try.”


	4. Chapter 4

Remus was standing in front of a place he had never thought of returning to. It wasn’t the Black’s house, but it almost the same. It was one of those ‘elite’-clubs. Sirius used to hate this place almost as much as his own home, with all those narrow-minded people.

But Regulus had told him he would find Sirius there. He did. Sirius was standing in a group of familiar people. They were mostly family. Of course they were, every elite-family was related in some sort of way.

Next to Sirius was Bellatrix with her boyfriend Rodolphus Lestrange. Narcissa and her fiancé Lucius Malfoy.

“Sirius? Can I talk to you?” Sirius turned around, looking surprised by the appearance of Remus.

“Oh eh sure,” was his answer.

“What are you doing here, wolf?” Bellatrix asked him with a hostile smile. Remus ignored her. They had hated each other for years, especially after he had started dating Sirius. She had always hated Sirius more, but she seemed to have forgotten that fact. Remus assumed that was because of Walburga.

Sirius took him outside and they ended in a dark alley. He had looked ashamed of Remus.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Sirius, you need to leave. You’re not yourself! She is poisoning your mind!”

Sirius’ face became empty. “I’m perfectly able to choose that myself,” he said with a hollow voice.

“But Regulu-”

“Reg deserved that. He’s making the same mistake I have made. Luckily I realized that. Now he needs to realize it.”

“What mistake?” Remus actually didn’t have to ask. He knew it. Sirius was talking about _them._ No, they were never a mistake. Even then, when Sirius had heard every day about what a disgrace he was, he had said it was his best decision ever.

“You.”

Hearing Sirius’ answer tore him down. This wasn’t Sirius anymore. He could see the hate in the other man’s eyes. In those weeks Sirius was starting to hate him, more than he had even done.

He stepped closer to Sirius, trying to reach him. He stepped back, feeling neglected. Yes, he had made Regulus a promise, but he couldn’t keep it. He couldn’t reach Sirius. He had promised to save him, but it was impossible.

Once again he stepped closer. He wanted to take Sirius’ hand, tell him he was there for him and hold him close.

“Sirius…” he was almost pleading. Pleading for him to remember, for him to listen, to understand. He had lost Sirius and he was begging him to return. It wasn’t working. He knew that. There was only one option, but if that didn’t work, nothing would. Remus was scared. If it really didn’t work, it was over. He didn’t want things to be over. He wanted to keep his last hope.

But he had no choice. It was now or never. So he stepped even closer, too close maybe, and pressed his lips on Sirius’. It definitely didn’t work, because Sirius pushed him back, looking disgusted.

“Maybe you should try that with my brother. He’ll definitely enjoy it more,” he snapped at Remus, before leaving him. Remus watched him walk away. Even that was familiar. It was like he was a different person with the same face.

How did he end here, in this alley, hated by the person he loved the most? It sounded unfair. It _was_ unfair.

A coldness crawled underneath his skin. He had lost. There was no way he could continue this anymore. He had to give up, but it was killing him.

Tears were running down his face. He had never felt so alone, not since James and Sirius had practically adopted him. They had been so close together. All those stupid pranks together. He had been the one who had wanted to stop them, but now he wished he had always participated. Then he would have had those memories.

Now he had nothing, only some memories about him being angry or staying alone to read a book. He had no Sirius, no happy memories and even no James. Even though James and Sirius weren’t together anymore, Sirius had taken his best friend with him, away from Remus.

He just wanted to be alone with his misery, so he walked home. It was raining. Of course it was raining. He had seen enough movies with Sirius to know that it was always raining when the two main characters were in a fight.

The only difference was that this wasn’t a movie. This was real life, without a happy ending.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus had hidden inside his house for two days. He didn’t answer James’ phone calls over how it had gone and when James had decided that there must be something wrong – he was right – and came to his house, he pretended he wasn’t there, even though they both knew that was a lie.

He just wanted to be alone with his misery. He wanted to curl up underneath a blanket until he wouldn’t feel this bad anymore. He just wanted to die.

On the third day someone once again knocked on the door. Remus stayed where he was. He didn’t want to speak to James and who else should it be? He had nobody else anymore.

“Remus? I know you’re here,” he heard a different voice saying. It wasn’t James who was standing there. It was Sirius.

 Remus got up slowly. He didn’t want to talk to new-Sirius, as he was starting to call this version of Sirius, but he desperately wanted to see old-Sirius again. He knew he wouldn’t find old-Sirius in front of his door, but he could imagine. He could act like it was old-Sirius instead of new-Sirius, and maybe, for a short time, things would be okay again.

“I- I need your help,” Sirius began when Remus had finally opened the door. “There is something wrong with me…” He swallowed. “My head keeps aching, even though I take a lot of painkillers. I feel ill, my hands keep moving, I don’t sleep a lot anymore and I get so angry all the time. Help me, Remus. What is wrong with me?” His eyes reflected his fear inside, even though he tried to hide it. He couldn’t hide it from Remus.

Instead of answering or reassuring him everything was okay, Remus started to laugh. He laughed so hard his stomach hurt and tears were streaming down his face. He laughed every moment of fear away. It felt liberating.

“I’m- I’m sorry,” he finally managed to say and he tried to pull himself together. “It’s just… You smoke! Your body definitely remembers it, even if your brain doesn’t.”

Sirius seemed even more bewildered with this than with Remus’ laughing attack. “Why?”

Remus calmed down a bit. This wasn’t going to be easy. “Because your parents told you not to.”

“I really hated them, didn’t I?” Sirius asked slowly, the words slowly dripping out of his mouth. Remus just nodded and stepped back so Sirius could come in.

“Can I ask you a question?” Sirius asked when they were settled down with a cup of tea. “It’s probably really personal.”

When Remus agreed he breathed in before asking it. It had to be really personal and, as Remus guessed, had to be something Sirius should know already.

“Why did Bellatrix call you ‘wolf’?”

Remus’ hand automatically went to his chest.  All his life he had been walking around with the scars and he knew they would never disappear.

“Well, except for the fact that my name is Remus Lupin and has everything to do with wolves, there’s this thing that happened when I was young. I was almost five and went camping with my parents.” Talking about this was never easy. He was kinda ashamed of it. Of course he knew it wasn’t his fault, but sometimes he knew it was. He should never have walked away.

“I walked away from my parents when Fenri- a man came.” He had to correct himself. Fenrir was a friend of the Black-family. He wasn’t sure how Sirius would react when he heard that Fenrir had done it. Maybe he would say he deserved this, just as Fenrir had told him.

“That man had been in a fight with my father and wanted revenge. So he took me and…” Remus hesitated. Talking to Sirius, pretending it was his Sirius, made this easier but not easy enough.

Before continuing he took a sip of his tea. His hands were shaking, he noticed. It reflected his feelings well. Inside he was shaking too. The memory was painful.

“He- he cut me with his knife, threatening to kill me if my parents would do anything. They had to watch how he- tortured me.” His voice was shaking and he wasn’t sure he could finish his story. Even though it had happened years ago, it hurt. He could still feel the knife over, _in,_ his body and he could still hear Fenrir’s words.

_“You’re just as useless as your father.” “You only get what you deserve.” “Does it hurt? Oh, don’t worry. It will end soon.” “Tell them you’re a useless kid who deserves this. Louder!”_

He had done everything Fenrir had asked him. Of course he had. He had been a scared four year old kid and even though everyone had told him after that Fenrir was just a psychopath, those words were buried in his heart forever. He had started to believe it there.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Sirius said when he still wasn’t continuing his story. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Remus tried to hold in the tears. Telling Sirius once had been terrible, telling him again wasn’t better. He shook his head. “No, no. I want to tell. It’s just-” He couldn’t find the right word to explain what he meant, but Sirius seemed to understand it anyway, as he took Remus’ hand and squeezed it.

“He was preparing his final stab when _they_ came out of the forest. The wolves. They should be really shy in that area, but my screams probably lured them instead of scared them. They were looking hostile, preparing to attack. But-”

Once again he stopped talking. He remembered that moment. Even his children’s brain had known those wolves had been there to fight and that they had been dangerous. But as he had looked into the eyes of their Alpha he had known that they wouldn’t hurt him. There had been a connection and he had felt safe.

“They didn’t attack me. They protected me until my parents had brought me to safety and the police had arrived. Only then, when my attacker was about to be arrested, they returned to the woods.”

After his story Sirius stayed quiet. Their hands were still attached. “You’re talking about Greyback, aren’t you?” he finally asked. Remus just nodded. He had tried to hide that, but apparently not well enough. Or maybe Sirius had heard the story before.

“Can- can I see the scars?” Sirius asked shyly. Remus tried to calm his hope. Sirius definitely wouldn’t remember the scars. It was only logical that there would be scars. Sirius didn’t remember.

But as Remus slowly removed his shirt – it felt weird, even though he had done it so many times for Sirius – he couldn’t ignore the feeling that Sirius _did_ remember it. He had hated his scars for his whole life, but the way Sirius had used to watch them, had turned it into something beautiful at those moments. His gaze wasn’t like that this time, but there was definitely something in his eyes.

Sirius lifted his hand almost hypnotized and started to trace the scars with his finger. Remus shuddered by his touch. It reminded him of how they used to touch each other.


End file.
